“I Resented My Pup for 3 Weeks”-Adoption Guilt & Anxiety

[Trigger warning: Mental health, pet-induced anxiety, postnatal depression and adoption guilt have been touched upon.]

(I couldn’t find a single article for solace when I was dealing with the anxiety of adopting a pet. I didn’t know until I researched to write this article that I was going through “dog-adoption guilt”. So here I am sharing my experience with pet parents. If the thought of returning your pup has crossed your mind, don’t judge yourself. You’re not alone and it’s okay to feel that way. You love your pet and want the best for them. Read on.)

I was going through a rough patch when my husband and I got a 6-week old pup. We’d meant to get one ever since we got married, but our full-time jobs came in the way.

The lockdown gave us 3–4 months at home. It was a long enough duration for us to adequately train a pup to be on its own for 5–6 hours a day for when we eventually went back to our workplaces.

Super-pup — @Xander_thecanine (Instagram)

Without much contemplation, we got a Shih Tzu, and he arrived like a baby (adorable & weaning).

He wasn’t a difficult dog, yet it only got tough from there

Idk how post-partum depression feels, but I felt inconsolable within the first two days of his arrival. It felt like I loved my baby and not-loved him also at the same time. I couldn’t work, eat or sleep properly for days. I used to look at my pup, wanting to hold him and yet not wanting to let him get too attached to me.

I googled and googled to find out more about this feeling, but couldn’t find a single piece of info to validate what I was going through — and that made me feel like a terrible mother!

Idk how post-partum depression feels, but I felt inconsolable within the first two days of his arrival. It felt like I loved my baby and not-loved him also at the same time.

Constant anxiety

I confided in my husband to dig deeper. I found out a few things that disturbed me:

1. I loathed giving him all my attention. I was either working or looking after him, depriving myself of any “me-time” — something that’s always been an essential part of the day for me.
2. My routine changed! I was finally getting on track with my work-life balance while working-from-home when I fell off the wagon because my routine now revolved around his routine. This only made me more irritable.
3. I dreaded that if these feelings persisted, I would begin to hate him — and that he would know!
4. I had taken him away from his biological family. I wondered if my love and care will ever measure up to what he was destined to deserve.
5. He is my first dog. I turned to the internet for tutorials and ended up consuming tonne of content on behaviour modification, puppy training, weaning, puppy-biting and habit formation. It drove me to a point where I was super calculative of my behaviour with and around him. I doubted if a dog-noob like me should even have a dog. What if I inculcated a habit in him that screwed him up for the rest of his life? What if I taught him something that would one day lead him to hurt himself?

I wasn’t following my exercise-meditate-eat clean plan any longer. I ate when he slept, slept when he slept. Working out wasn’t an option because I had no energy left after spending all of it playing with him, training him, cleaning him and just being with him. ALSO — NOT THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THIS! I loved looking after him. But it also made me mad at him and myself.

@Xander_thecanine (Instagram)

I cried randomly while thinking about him. I was super judgy of everything he did and hated myself for ruining his life by adopting him.

I even told my husband that we should give him back because then a family with more experience could adopt him, and that we might do him a favour that way.

How my people made me feel better

The first step towards sorting this out was to talk about how I felt. And not feel like a lousy person for hating to have a tiny, harmless pup in the family.

1. The #1 thing that helped me was that my husband never dismissed my feelings nor did he judge me. He addressed my concerns with 100% empathy. He assured that he’d do my part of looking after him while I get back to my routine. Most importantly, he promised that even if he had to raise him entirely on his own, he would never hold it against me.
2. My therapist helped me process my emotions while being on my team. I am so grateful she never suggested that I needed to feel differently. Also, thankfully this gave me the much-needed validation that I was looking for on the internet! She saved me a load of self-hate.
3. My best friend was very clear from day-1 that it’s going to be an SOS situation very soon. I would hate him for chewing on things or making a mess of my Marie Kondo-level clean house. Not once did she romanticise the situation. She kept things real for me. (She’s never had a pet.)

No matter how inconsequential it seems in hindsight, this validation from my people encouraged me to look at the problem in the eye and deal with it the way I wanted to — without any judgement.

How it got better

Honestly, I don’t even remember when the feeling ultimately passed, and sometimes I worry that it will return. But a few things that gave me some respite from feeling sad and anxious were:

1. I stopped being pushy. Playtime didn’t always have to be training-time. Spending time with him without expecting anything out of it was a relief. I observed that he’s smart enough not to let himself get hurt. The house was puppy-proof anyway.
2. I began to let him have his way sometimes. When he chewed on furniture or scratched walls, I would ignore him or give him a toy for distraction and walk away. He quickly grew out of it. Somehow, now he knows that he won’t get my attention by doing those things and now he has almost stopped. Positive reinforcement worked well in his case.
3. Apparently, he needed some time to learn that he didn’t have to be possessive about his belongings. I stopped fighting his aggression, and he grew less aggressive. (His aggression was never alarming in the first place. It’s just that in a bid to control potential hostility, I gave it too much attention.) This also taught me to filter content on YouTube! I shouldn’t have watched videos on ‘training the most violent canines in rehabs’ or ‘10 things you’re doing that your dog hates’ or ‘what your pup’s sleeping position actually means’ when all I wanted to learn was to ‘teach a pup his name’.
4. I started giving him alone-time. So he could be comfortable with not always having a parent around him. And this has instilled a lot of confidence in him.
5. When I took breaks from work, I didn’t automatically rush to him. I did my thing — cooked, listened to music, stared at the ceiling fan, etc. and he made himself a part of my activities very naturally. He would just come and sit by my side and play with his toys (or nap).
6. I also noticed that playing with him for even 10 minutes every 3–4 hours sufficed for him. He craved attention, but he was also okay not being the centre of my universe at all times. Or maybe he has grown used to it.

The munchkin called ‘Xander’

In conclusion, I started doing my own thing, guilt-free, and his best behaviour followed. There are still occasional slip-ups on his part, but I try to ignore them and just reward his achievements and good habits.

He might grow up into a moody-rogue teenager sooner than I realise. But I’ve begun to internalise that I will just stick to what I can best do in my capacity as a responsible parent at all times. After all, being at peace brings out the best parent in me, and my baby deserves nothing less.

Hit me up with comments or write to me at tushitas1710@gmail.com. It’s time we start talking about the anxiety that raising a pet entails. We’re all in this together. :)

Also, no intent to diminish postnatal depression to what I felt. I recognise that my feelings might not even be close to it. It’s just that reading up on it provided me closure when I was trying to make sense of my miserable mental state.